We're moving!

No, not to a new home... although Jen would love to move from all my projects! We are moving to a new blog site. You can now find us at www.jeffjenny.blogspot.com. Please make note of it, if you care to continue following along.

We began this blog just before travelling to China, as a means to keep family and friends informed. It was my first experience with blogging, and I didn't really figure we'd continue it much after getting home. But, I enjoy doing it, when time permits. Since the focus of this blog is Lily, I decided to preserve this one as is, and transition to a more general format. Thank you for following along with us. Thank you for your prayers, comments, and encouragement!

See you at the new page!

Hindsight is 20/20...

Despite having read books on attachment and bonding, we feel that we may have exposed Lily to the “public” (non-family) too much and/or too early. Many experts advise limiting interaction with those outside of the family for, ideally, a minimum of the first 6 weeks, and also to restrict having personal needs (holding, touching, feeding, etc.) met by anyone other than parents. Lily, typical of institutionalized children, has little understanding of normal social and relational contexts. Lily is still learning the difference between a forever Mama and Baba, and temporary caregivers. This should be her main focus for the first several weeks of her placement.

After having exposed Lily to the “public”, we have since realized that we should have taken things more slowly. Lily has very few personal boundaries. She has not been raised in a living situation that allowed her to grasp the concepts of having close contact with family, modest contact with friends, occasional contact with acquaintances, and new contact with complete strangers. Thus, she really doesn’t understand the proper behavior and interaction appropriate to the relationship. For instance, she tickles EVERYONE, and usually will allow herself to be tickled by about anyone, including those she has just met for the first time. As cute as all her laughter and smiles might seem right now, this is not a healthy behavior. A typical 3 year-old knows it isn’t proper to run around touching every new person they meet, or to allow themselves to be touched so personally by new people. If we don’t address this now, it will only become more difficult, and we run the risk of her, in her innocence, being hurt by strangers in the future.

So, to those closely involved in our lives, please do not take it personally if we discourage and limit some of Lily's interactions. Know, also, that this is not directed to anyone in particular and nobody acted inappropriately—we, as parents, simply need to take a slightly different approach (we’re new at this!). We feel that, for now, it is best that intimate contact be limited to her immediate family and grandparents. She has the rest of her life to form bonds with others outside of her family, but right now, she really needs to focus on learning about the family unit, and the difference in relationships. She needs to learn a healthy caution toward those she meets, and right now she shows little inhibition. We do believe that she has an outgoing personality, but she needs to learn to properly manage her personality. To sum it up, the more she is intimately touched, held, hugged, tickled, etc. by those outside her family, the less those kind of interactions will mean to her when they are given by her family, and these are very important tools in this bonding process.

So again, please don’t be offended if we intervene if she attempts to get too personal with you right now. It’s in her best interest.

--Jeff and Jenny

A month milestone

first family moment...

...one month later

My Dear Lily Xiao Xiao,

It is hard to believe that you have now been a part of our family for over a month. You didn't know it, but you were actually our daughter long before you ever saw us, and even before we knew you existed. You see, a few years ago, God began to speak to Mama and I about adoption, and we knew in our hearts that we had a daughter in China. We knew that we had to find you and bring you home. There were so many hurdles in the way that I didn't know how we could possibly do that, I just knew we had to. I am so glad that God caused our life path to cross with yours and that He trusted us to be your family.

This month has been full of joys and difficulties, as will be the months and years to come. I want you to know that I am proud to be your Baba, and I will try to be the best Baba I can be. The God that brought us together, though, is the only perfect father, and I hope that I can point you toward Him.

You are my favorite little girl in the whole world!

Wo ai ni, Baba

Sweet Affection

Lily and I have come such a long way in the last week or so. The little girl who so strongly pushed aside her Mama's attempts at loving and comforting her now seeks it of her own will! I think there will always be a very special bond between her and her Baba, but she has decided she has room in her heart for Mama, too. And what a wonderful thing that is! We have moved from extreme grief over Jeff being at work, to understanding of where he is all day, and acceptance of the fact that he does return. And now that she's not worrying about those details all day, she is more relaxed about everything, including getting to know Mama. She is definitely showing more and more of her personality, and let me tell you...she is a firecracker! Full of energy and lots of smiles.

Thank you to all those who have been praying on our behalf. The Lord certainly has answered our prayers!

the right direction

The end of this week has seen improvement each day with the mother/daughter relationship. We have much work yet to do, but things seem to be going in the right direction. There is still a hesitancy toward Jen, at times, but Lily has relaxed some and has started to show some affection for her. She adores the boys, and they her-- sooner or later, the novelty will wear off and we'll have a big sibling battle! She sometimes barely notices when I come home, but still whines, a bit, when I leave. She spends much less time camped by the door, waiting for my return. I hope she remains a "Daddy's girl", but we are headed toward something much healthier. We would appreciate your continued prayers as we all continue to adjust, and as she begins to learn our language.

the brothers

While Lily has been the spotlight of these posts, there are two other people that have been mostly in the background, and have received little "press": the brothers. I am so proud of my sons, Dylan and Zachary, for how they have gotten behind this idea of adopting a sister from the very beginning. Sure, there were times when they were not so fond of the idea-- like when they were crushing and bagging the hundreds of pounds (literally) of aluminum cans generated from the "Aluminum for Adoption" fundraising effort. But, overall, I think they've seen the need of orphaned children and understood why we have chosen to reach out to this little girl.

We'll never know this side of heaven, but Zachary could be largely responsible for the expansion of our family. Sounds funny, I know, but a few years back, he started praying faithfully at bedtime for a baby; babies, actually-- most of the time in the form of a brother and a sister. We smiled at the prayer, knowing that there was a good chance that our family was "complete", or so we thought! We had no idea at the time that we would even consider adoption. But, possibly because of his childlike faith and persistence, he now has, not exactly a baby sister, but a sister 3 years his junior... Hmmm, what does the Bible say about the faith of a child?

Just the other day, Dylan was looking at his stack of one dollar bills from his recent birthday. (He fights the urge to be a spender, but says, at age 8, that he is saving for a car! As a saver and budgeter, I think I can work with that!) He came over to me and asked if Lily had a bank, or any money of her own. I told him she didn't, but we would start a bank account for her soon. He reached in his wallet and pulled out two dollars and told me that he would like to be the one to get it started for her. I got a lump in my throat, and was so proud that he would share his own birthday money with his new sister.

Both boys were very patient with the time and effort that it took to complete the adoption process, even though it was often time taken away from them. And, even currently, they are mostly content to be somewhat in the background, as Lily adjusts and makes her debut. They are both putting a lot of effort into making her feel like a part of the family and I think it is really helping with her adjustment. Children have the ability to be both very mean and very compassionate, and they can, when they choose to, minister comfort to another child in a way no adult can. Thanks, Dylan and Zachary, for making your sister feel like a part of her family!

Progress!

Finally (at last!), I received my first smile from Lily. Oh, she has smiled occasionally in my direction if Jeff was around, but this time Jeff was not home. We were on our own outside in the yard. This is huge progress, as she really has refused to play much with me (except for squirting me with a squirt gun!) unless Jeff was around for a buffer. She also came to me willingly to be picked up, after I asked, so we could chase a rabbit in our yard. Not only that, she sat on Dylan's lap as we played Sorry for about 15 minutes, and then allowed him to read a book to her. Grant it, she was sitting in the floor by the kitchen door, waiting for Jeff to return, but we'll take what we can get!

I know bonding takes time...but I am most eager to have her climb up on my lap for comfort instead of waving me away when she is sad or upset. To see the grief she experiences daily, and then not being able to comfort her is hard. I must hear "Bu yao!"or "I don't want..." 100 times a day. She is definitely attached to Jeff, but not in a secure, trusting way. It's been a week since he went back to work, and she still spends a lot of time by the door looking for him. There aren't as many tears as the first day, but it is still very hard for her.

We continue to covet your prayers as we continue on this journey of bonding and attachment.

Life Lessons from Lily

Adjustment continues to creep along. Lily's attachment to me is still very strong, but in an unnatural way. When we play together, it seems very natural. However, when I leave, and she camps out by the door for long periods of time, whining and waiting for my return, it is not. When in a decent mood, she will mostly tolerate Jen. But, when she is upset, Jen can do little for her-- even though she patiently tries. This is progress, however. Earlier this week, she often threw tantrums when Jen was even near; arching her back, shaking her head "no", and pointing sternly toward the door, as if to forever banish Mama from her very presence. These episodes are fewer, now. Little does she know, though, that Mama is a much better caregiver than I. Give her a chance, little girl, and you'll be fine!

As frustrating as this may be, I continue to find many life lessons as I follow this little girl's journey through adoption. The physical adoption of a child is, perhaps, the best parallel available to our spiritual relationship to God. Since beginning the process to adopt Lily, I have had a few opportunities to speak to congregations about adoption, and I always include this parallel. Briefly, it is this: Similar to Lily, I was once a spiritual orphan, separated from God, because of the human sin nature (Romans 3:23). As a way was made for Lily to become part of a forever family; so, too, was a way made for me to become a part of the family of God, through faith in Jesus Christ (Romans 5:8). Lastly, Lily could do nothing to earn her way into our family. Nor can I earn my way to God, I must accept the grace that He offers (Ephesians 2: 8,9).

So, I presented these lessons to others, as though I had grasped the spiritual lessons that adoption could teach me. And yet, this simple word "accept" became this week's lesson, born out of the struggle of adjustment, attachment, and bonding. The lesson is this:

We want nothing but good for this little girl. We want to make her feel loved, cherished, safe, and secure. While this is the goal of the entire family, Jen, because she is a stay-home-mom, is really the hub that holds this plan together. Mama can care for her much better than I. And yet, she resists her care and love. Because of fear, or mistrust, or past hurts, or who-knows-what, she resists what is really the best for her. The result is that much of her days are filled with struggle, frustration, and apparent unhappiness. Understand that I am not being critical of her. She's only been "home" about a week and I can't begin to comprehend what she is experiencing. But, I can see the bigger picture and I just want to tell her, "love Mama and accept the love she has for you-- you'll be fine!" As a Christian, though, is that not a lot like us? It's like me, at least! So many times we struggle and try to get through life our own way, maybe coming to God when we really get stuck. Like my daughter, our days are sometimes full of frustration and unhappiness. But, He sees the bigger picture and wants us to trust Him and walk with Him-- for He knows better than anyone what is the best for our lives.

These lessons are easier to write about than they are to live out, but I hope that I can learn and change from these "Lessons from Lily". I hope, too, that my kids unknowingly continue to teach me life lessons.

ADJUSTMENT!

If you are considering adoption, or are in the waiting period, don't let this post scare you, but we have entered the ADJUSTMENT ZONE! This is our third child, so we have some parenting experience, but we've never been here before!

Every child, whether adopted or biological, comes into a family as a unique individual and brings to the family a unique set of challenges. Some bring more challenges than others, but that is just the way God makes us. The biological child arrives somewhat pliable and without experience, allowing the family to grow and develop a rhythm together. The adopted child, on the other hand, has been growing and developing in an environment apart from their forever family, and then is "introduced" into the family, without knowing the family's rhythm. It's a little like a treadmill: the biological child steps on the treadmill from a stopped position and the speed is gradually increased; the adopted child gets on the treadmill when it's already moving at a good clip and it's tougher at first to keep up. This is the best way I can describe what it appears to me that adoption looks like to my daughter. I wish she could tell me her perspective, but, alas, she is 3 and speaks Chinese!

For us, adjustment seems to be going OK, but it could be better. I think what we are experiencing is pretty normal, but that doesn't make some of it easier. Lily is still devoted to Baba, but doesn't understand why I leave everyday to go to work. She doesn't like it very much. Unfortunately, she does not seem to care much for her Mama. I don't think it's anything personal, but it is hard for Jen not to take it that way. Jen sometimes feels like she is making progress with her, but it is slow going. It is difficult for me to balance wanting to comfort Lily and continue to bond with her, with backing off and encouraging her to bond with Jen. Who knows what issues in her life cause her to react this way. Perhaps it is a positive in disguise. It is quite possible that she has been very close to female caregivers in the past, but they have always disappeared. If so, it may be hard for her to trust another female. The positive in this is that, if true, then she has bonded well in the past and will, in all likelihood, do so again. It could be any number of other factors, but it is frustrating.

Lily is doing well with the boys and with nearly everyone else she has met, so for that we are grateful. This post is in no way meant to put adoption in a negative light. Overall, it is going well and this is all to be expected. After all, she has only been "at home" one week. Adoption is a wonderful journey and I encourage you to consider it for your family. I just want to make sure that readers of this blog realize that it is not all about entries full of cutesy pictures-- adoption, like parenthood in genaral, is full of joys... and challenges!

We would appreciate your prayers for Lily, as she continues to adjust; and for the 4 of us, that we would have the wisdom and patience to ease her through it. I will try to post more this weekend and hopefully get some new pictures up.

no place like home!

Our Thursday morning started early with a 4:30 AM wake up call and departure from the hotel to the airport at 5:30 AM. Our flight out of Guangzhou was delayed about an hour, due first to a problem with the plane's AC, then due to a weather pattern. The flights didn't seem to bother her that much, except when she had to be buckled in the seat-- then she threw a fit. There was little I could do about it, since I have only known her a little less than 2 weeks and I don't speak her language. So, I could only listen to her protests, try unsuccessfully to comfort and convice her that the belt was OK (she is very stubborn!), and wonder what the other passengers thought of me as a parent. Few indicated any displeasure-- perhaps they could sense that we were both new to each other! Whenever possible, I bent the rules and allowed her to sit on my lap, thinking, "you won't get away with this forever, little girl!". Most attendants (except the mean one on the Detroit-Akron flight!) were sympathetic and understanding, allowing us the slack to do what was necessary to get through the ordeal. We were not the only adoptive families on most of the flights. Fortunately, she slept through the majority of the grueling 12 hours between Tokyo and Detroit! In all, it was just under 24 hours of travel time. We arrived in Akron, very tired, around 6 PM, to a quiet homecoming with just Jen and the boys. The boys looked huge to me after spending 2 weeks away-- they must have grown a foot each! She was not very thrilled to meet the rest of the family, but clung hard to me-- not the reaction we had hoped for, but the one we realistically expected.

Xiao Xiao's last look at China, with our plane in the background.

One of the few moments she wasn't vehemently protesting the belt!

Tired travellers, somewhere between Tokyo and Detroit

First family picture-- Akron-Canton Airport

She fussed a little about going to bed, but quickly passed out and slept soundly and long-- we had to finally wake her for breakfast!

She warmed up to Dylan and Zachary pretty easily. She's not quite sure what to make of Mama, but made good progress today.

Dylan, ever the first-born, already conning her into pulling him-- shouldn't that be the other way around?

Trying out the bike

Sibling bonding-- water fight!